The Design Creed
I believe in Analysis of Variance, a gift of the Almighty
bestowed upon grateful mankind by Divine Providence through the Inspiration of the
venerable Sir R. A. Fisher, Knight of the Realm, and his Disciples.
I believe in the F-Ratio wherein the uppermost Mean Square Between overcomes the lowly
Mean Square Within to yield Significant Blessings upon Faithful Researchers.
I shall continue to maximize Experimental Variance and minimize Error Variance until the
last of my Degrees of Freedom be spent and Divine Control shall see fit to lift my soul
from this vale of Errors and Confirm my Hypothesis in that Blessed Realm where all
Variance be Systematic and Error Variance be nought.
Jokes in Statistical Terms
A statistician can have his head in an oven and
his feet in ice, and he will say that on average, he feels fine.
Definition of a Statistician: A Mathematician broken down
by age and sex.
Why did the statistician become a statistician? He found
accountancy too exciting.
What does a statistician call it when the heads of 10 rats
are cut off and 1 survives? Non-significant.
Did you know that there are _three_ kinds of
statisticians--those that can count and those that can't.
A statistician is someone who is skilled at drawing a
precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
A Bayesian is one who, vaguely expecting a horse, and
catching a glimpse of a donkey, strongly believes he has seen a mule.
A methodologist's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang
the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll
baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician.
"Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."
Did you know that the great majority of people have more
than the average number of legs? It's obvious really; amongst the 57 million people in
Britain there are probably 5,000 people who have got only one leg. Therefore the average
number of legs is:
((5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)) / 57,000,000 = 1.9999123 )
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find
themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.
We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he
leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear
the echo several times.)
Fifteen minutes pass. Then they hear this echoing voice: " Helllloooooo! You're
lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a statistician." Puzzled,
one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three
reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his
answer was absolutely useless."
There is a group of five statisticians on a train. At the
next stop, five epidemiologists get on. They all seem to know each other and start
chatting. It transpires that all the epidemiologists have bought a ticket, but the
statisticians have only bought one between the five of them. "Why did you do
that?" asks one of the epidemiologists. "Surely you're going to get caught and
thrown off the train?" "Just wait and see!", smiles one of the
As the ticket inspector is approaching to check everyone's tickets, the statisticians all
go off to the nearest toilet - the inspector passes the epidemiologists and inspects all
their tickets then moves on and notices that the toilet is locked. "Tickets
please!", shouts the inspector. One of the statisticians pushes their ticket under
the toilet door, which the inspector checks and returns under the door. Once the inspector
has gone, all the statisticians return to their seats to the awe and amazement of the
epidemiologists. "That's incredibly clever!" says one of the epidemiologists.
A few weeks later they all find themselves on the same train again. They sit together and
start chatting once more. "We've done what you suggested", says one of the
epidemiologists. "And just bought one ticket between the five of us!" "Oh
really", says one of the statisticians. "we haven't bought ANY tickets this
time!" The epidemiologists look at each other in amazement. "OK, one ticket
between you is fine but not buying any at all is ludicrous!"
As the ticket inspector approaches the epidemiologists hurry off to the toilet. Once
they're inside, the statisticians follow them. "Tickets please!" shouts one of
the statisticians. The ticket appears under the door and they take it away and all bundle
into a different toilet. The inspector gets to the toilet with the epidemiologists in it.
"Tickets please!" he shouts. No reply. "Tickets please!" The
epidemiologists admit defeat and come out of the toilet only to be thrown off the train at
the next station.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: Epidemiologists should not attempt to use statistical methods
without fully understanding the theory behind them!
*** The person who forwarded them said she/he didn't
understand most of them!